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Funniest UK Lottery Scam E-mail Ever?

I almost feel like this could be a never-ending competition of finding the funniest UK lottery scam e-mail, but the standard has been set very high by this classic - I have put my comments in square brackets. I didn't receive this e-mail directly, but had it forwarded to me by a potential victim of the scammers. Unless you have a lottery scam e-mail that's funnier than this one (very unlikely!), then please don't send me any examples of the scam e-mails that you've received.

From: xxx@yyy.zzz [E-mail obfuscated my me]
Sent: Thursday, June 30, 2005 2:41 PM
To: Joe Bloggs [Name changed to protect innocent recipient]
Subject: AN APOLOGY LETTER MUST BE WRITTEN UK NATIONAL LOTTERY

ATTENTION Joe Bloggs,
THANKS FOR YOUR E-MAIL, THE ABUSE LAYED DOWN UPON OUR ORGANIZATION IS SUCH A BAD IMAGE TO US .

[Ignoring the "LAYED" misspelling and the bad grammar in this very first sentence (this recurs throughout the e-mail), be wary that the scammer sending this e-mail has a broken caps lock key]

THIS IS PUNISHABLE UNDER SECTION 12 SUBSECTION 2(C) OF THE UK NATIONAL LOTTERY TOGTHER WITH THE UK LOTTERY COMMISSION .

[I think everyone would be in jail by now if there was "punishment" for criticising Camelot or any of the official UK lottery retailers :-) ]

YOU ARE TO WRITE APOLOGY LETTER TO ME YOUR AGENT AND THE COURIER SERVICE FOR TRYING TO TANISH OUR IMAGE .

[Ah, the beloved "courier service" - the one that costs hundreds or thousands of pounds to deliver a cheque if you remember]

THE SO-CALLED FRAUDSTER AND SCAMMERS HAVE INVADED OUR COMMUNICATION NETWORK AND THE GOODWILL OF OUR ORGANIZATION .

[I think you're talking to yourself there]

YOU ARE TO SEND US AN APOLOGY LETTER FOR TRYING TO DO THE SAME OTHERWISE YOUR WINNINGS WILL BE FORFEITED AND BE ROLLED OVER TO THE NEXT DRAW OF THE UK NATIONAL LOTTERY.

[Funny, you have 180 days to claim a UK lottery prize and it cannot be rolled over to the next draw because that's in only 3 or 4 days time]

OUR SITE GIVEN TO WINNERS WAS MADE FOR OUR WINNERS TO BE AWARE OF THE SCAMMING ACTIVITIES AND ALSO ACTIVITIES OF FRAUDSTERS BUT NOT FOR THEM TO INSULT AND TANISH OUR IMAGE.

[I'm presuming this means they have a Website that says "we're not scammers, honest, guv, but watch out for those people who are"]

YOUR CHOOSEN OPPORTUNITY HAVE BEEN TRAGGED TO THE MUD.

["Tragged to the mud" - that's a language mangling if ever I saw one]

OUR ONLINE CO-ORDINATOER RICHARD KYLODS HAS BEEN FRAUDED MY THIS SO CALLED SCAMMERS AND FRAUDSTERS.

[Who is this mysterious "Richard Kylods"? Sounds something like a truncated version of my name, Richard K. Lloyd, if you ask me]

ANY MESSAGE SENT TO richard.lloyd@connectinternetsolutions.com IS ALWAYS AN AUTOMATED RESPONSE.

[Strange, because that's my work e-mail address and, as far as I know, I'm not an automaton. Syntax error at line 635]

THIS IS TO AVOID SCAMMERS ON OUR ORGANIZATIONS.

[No, it's to annoy me by using my name without my permission !]

THE COST AND CHARGES GIVEN BY THE COURIER COMPANY IS KNOWN HAS COST FOR DELIVERY AFTER ALL NON UK RESIDENT TAXES ARE DEDUCTED.

[And those "charges" are probably ludicrously excessive and conveniently can't be deducted from your so-called "winnings", meaning that the payment can't be delivered to you without you having to give them money]

WE CANT BUILD OUR WEBSITE WITHOUT WARNING. YOU ARE WARNED.

[Hang on? They have to warn someone else before they create their own Web site?]

NO UPFRONT FEE SEEN IN OUR SITE WHERE MADE FOR NATIONAL WITHIN THE UK WHOM BUY TICKET FROM OUR WEBSITE .

[It should be noted that the scammers are usually careful not to mention claim fees in their initial e-mail to victims or on any Website they might claim they run. It's only later on when they try to sting you for money.]

NOT TO OUR INTERNATIONAL ONLINE SWEEPSTAKE PROGRAM MADE TO OUR WINNERS ALL OVER THE WORLD WHO ARE NOTIFIED BY E-MAIL .

[There is *no* "international online sweepstake program" that the scammers claim has netted you big money. Scammers use this term because it implies that you've been drawn at random as a "lucky winner" whether or not you've ever played the lottery. By sending out millions of scattergun e-mails, they're bound to hit some victims who have played a lottery recently and get confused as to whether this bogus sweepstake is connected to their recent lottery purchase].

WORLDWIDE COURIER SERVICES COLLECT CHARGES FOR MAILING TO ANY DESTINATIONS. I HOPE YOU KNOW THIS

[Which would be what, less than £50 in even the most extreme cases? Nope, they often want hundreds or sometimes thousands of pounds!]

NOTE: IF YOU ARE TO PROCEED WITH YOUR PRIZE , A LETTER OF APOLOGY MUST BE WRITTEN TO ME AND THE COURIER SERVICE OR FEEL FREE TO DISCONTINUE WITH YOUR PRIZE.

[You're repeating yourself here...]

WE AWAIT YOUR APOLOGY LETTER AND PROCEED WITH YOUR PRIZE COLLECTION OR A DISCONTINUAL NOTICE FROM YOU

[And here too...]

ONCE AGAIN CONGRATULATIONS!!!
BEST REGARD
SHARON CONNOR

["Sharon Connor" will be a false name of course. After the long-winded tirade about how they feel slighted and the triple insistence on an apology letter, she still has the cheek to say "congratulations" - you've got to laugh :-) ]

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